20 days ago, a small shouty individual arrived into my arms.

He has turned my life so amazingly upside down, made me cry - both in a good and bad way - and laugh in equal measures, and above all made me love in a way in which I didn't think possible.

I thought after meeting Mal and falling in love with him that I wouldn't get the chance to do it ever again. I was wrong. Every time I look at Mal Jr. I fall in love with him all over again. He is changing daily - yesterday he looked at me and smiled a big, happy, cooing, gummy grin. It made me turn into a jellified, hormonal, blubbing mess.

His eyes are amazing - a sort of dark, steel grey at the moment. His hands are like mine - he is my identical hand twin (minus 28 years!). I think he has my ears and feet too. One thing above all though - he looks very like Mal. It's the sort of thing everyone says about a new baby "oh he looks just like you!" but Jr. really does look just like Mal.

I hope he ends up with his Dad's kindness, understanding, patience, politeness, wit and charm too. And that he likes music too.

I've got so many hopes and dreams for him. Above all I just hope he lives long and remains healthy. Lord knows the worst 24 hours of my life were when I thought there was something seriously wrong with him and he ended up on special care for 24 hours. I couldn't look at him without crying. I couldn't pick him up and talk to him and touch him without trailing wires. All I could say to him was "Mummy's here. Mummy's here and she loves you." And then I'd sob all over him. Looking down at this baby on my lap through swimming tears was a surreal experience and one I really wouldn't wish to repeat.

I have no idea how people cope when their baby is on the special care ward for days, if not months. I take my hat off to them. Those 24 hours were the worst of my life. To be stuck there with your most precious baby for weeks on end must be excruciating. I want to hug every parent who goes through it.

I'm writing this with a baby nestled in the crook of my arm, lying across my lap. He should be waking up for a feed soon. I had better get dressed I think. Good job I've got funky PJs! I seem to live in them at the moment!

I love this little baby. When he wakes up and cries, I'll tell him that his Mummy's here and she loves him, but this time I won't cry.